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Tuesday, May 27th, 2008
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10:41 pm - Growing unfond of May
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May of last year, at about this time, I lost my very best friend. I've struggled with a depression far deeper than I was ready or able to admit ever since. Now, just as I felt at my wit's end, overwhelmed by losing my house, and the seemingly insurmountable obstacle of having to find somewhere for myself and my family to live, This terrible, unreal thing has happened- Mischka, gone in a blink. And it hurts, in this strange surreal kind of way that is almost impossible to explain. Someone who was family, who knew me, strangely, from the moment we met. The closest to me are always like that. They just know me, as I know them. Not well, but with a complete acceptance and understanding.
And his passing opened a door in my head that I also can't really explain. It's as if it wasn't quiet or peaceful, but thunderously momentous enough to shake me awake. I'm still at a place where I'm not sure I WANT to be awake... but I'm awake.
I think I need caffeine- and a year's worth of long hot showers.
current mood: pensive
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| Thursday, May 15th, 2008
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9:37 am
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| Tuesday, December 18th, 2007
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2:11 pm - The fall of a leaf
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I realize almost startledly, that mourning Fizgig's passing is a much deeper process than I'd expected or realized. Pagany, mystical folks might have called her my "Familiar", though y'all know I'm not crazy for the stereotypical witchy terminologies. I know that I had more devotion, commitment, and love for her than I've ever felt for a friend, a family member- even a partner. I know that her death touched me deeper than the loss of either of my own parents. I know that it was May when she passed, and I am still deep in the dregs of mourning. My life has changed in so many ways and on so many levels, for losing her, and not just because I served so closely beside her and walked her into her next life. Too many ways to even try to describe. She was more than a pet, even a well-loved one. She was a very deep, very large part of me.
I know there are probably a few of my friends who are wondering when I'll come out of the cave... who may or may not grasp the reasons I went in in the first place.
I have tried to remain cognizant of things outside it enough to throw a rock out now and then, to let folks know I haven't curled up and died in here... that I'm dealing with stuff, and will be out when I'm finished.
Washing laundry yesterday, I was suddenly struck with the term "muse"... that my furry little Muse has left me. And I still can't cope quite with the idea of looking for another. Not precisely, but something like that. Maybe spark would be a better word.
I knew every time I looked at her that she was huge and important and that I loved her, but how much wasn't clear, even when she'd first gone. That she lingers, that her absence overwhelms and changes me so deeply, is teaching me how much. There is a voice in my head which tells me to apologize for being so deeply bound and compelled by what to some might seem trivial or at least, smaller than other relationships, but I'm not going to. I joked about bleeding daily- but there was never anything really trivial about that. To love someone so deeply that one never gives a second thought to shedding one's own blood, in any quantity. To resent nothing. It's complicated.
I tried to get over it quickly- to be the Monkey Unphased by the turning of the world. But I'm not over it. I am grieving deeply at the fall of a single leaf.
"When I was a weaver I bent to my trade
blending the rarest design-
I was caught by the rapture of one golden thread
and it raveled the cloth of my mind.
Vanity's precious illusions
are phantoms that flee from the light.
That terrible beauty will leave you
stripped naked and alone in the night."
~Phil Morgan
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1:24 pm
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Today
Current mood: Unbalanced Morning was: elevenish.
Breakfast was: A cigarette and a cup of green tea with jasmine blossoms & fresh ginger.
While drinking breakfast, I: checked assorted e-mails & interfaces, and built a playlist.
That playlist consists (in random order,) of:
1. Devo - Working in the Coal Mine (2:51)
2. The Moody Blues - The Morning- Another Morning (3:56)
3. Kenny Loggins - This is It (3:58)
4. Nickleback - Diggin This (3:03)
5. Nickelback - Hollywood (3:04)
6. Nickle Back - How you remind me (3:48)
7. The McCoys - Hang On Sloopy - The McCoys (3:56)
8. Sister Hazel - All for you (3:39)
9. Ravens On The Mesa - Nobody's Gettin Outta Here Alive (3:53)
10. Eddie Rabbit - I Love A Rainy Night (3:13)
11. The Alan Parsons Project - Doctor Tarr & Professor Fether (4:20)
12. The Beatles - Come Together (4:20)
13. Black Sabbath - The Mob Rules (3:15)
14. Neil Sedaka - Bad Blood (3:05)
15. Los Lobos - La Bamba (2:19)
16. Peter Gabriel - Solsbury Hill (4:20)
17. rush - 2112 (20:34)
18. Anastacia - Freak of Nature (3:39)
19. The Moody Blues - Evening- The Sun Set - Twilight Time (6:40)
20. sting - mad about you (3:53)
21. The Moody Blues - Dawn- Dawn Is A Feeling (3:48)
22. CSNY - Woodstock (3:56)
23. JONATHAN EDWARDS - SUNSHINE (Go Away Today) (2:18)
24. Alanis Morissette - Still (6:18)
25. Journey - Don't Stop Believing (4:10)
26. Tony Orlando & Dawn - Sweet Gypsy Rose 1973 (2:55)
27. Smashmouth - Walking On The Sun (3:26)
28. Grateful Dead - Friend of The Devil (3:22)
29. Moody Blues - So deep within you (3:01)
30. John Cougar Mellancamp - Hurts So Good (3:37)
31. Jay & The Americans - Come A Little Bit Closer (2:50)
32. Aretha Franklin - Rock Steady (3:09)
33. Aretha Franklin - Chain of Fools (2:57)
34. Moody Blues - In the Beginning and Lovely to See You Again (4:47)
35. Moody Blues - Tuesday Afternoon (4:52)
36. One Toke Over The Line (Brewer & Shipley) (3:21)
37. Melissa Etheridge - Like The Way I Do (10:05)
38. Shout at the Devil - Motley Crue (4:28)
39. Seals And Crofts - East Of Ginger Trees (3:28)
40. Melissa Etheridge - Bring Me Some Water (3:54)
41. Aretha Franklin - (You Make Me Feel Like) a Natural Woman (2:41)
Once the playlist was built, I pulled all the old shampoo etc. bottles out of the shower, threw away the empties, cleaned those still viable, and scrubbed and sterilized the stall, the soap rack, and the tub itself.
Now I'm just waiting for the hot water to be back up to full- my next objective: Long hot bath, scrub, and shave. Eg: Personal spa time. Yeah me! I earned that.
current mood: Unbalanced
current music: Still - Alanis Morrisette
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, January 18th, 2007
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1:21 pm - Did a fresh layout on the logo...
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To clean up the edges and unpixelate it... Added the rams' horns as an afterthought. Click the thumb for more detail...
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 6th, 2007
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1:22 am - Got a beautiful new easel for X-mas...
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| Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
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6:56 pm - Night in the Hanging Gardens of Babylon
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6:44 pm - Wow. Talk about CONTENT...
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Found these amazing prefab areas by Chaos_Theologian on the NWN vault. They use little or no hak files, and are super small DLs... I'm floored.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, August 28th, 2006
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2:06 pm - Birds & Fishes
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And we dance to the light of this candle,
sharing secrets and heartaches and smiles,
pretending the distance between us
is only 10,000 short miles.
Ethereal haven of starlight
evaporates all but the soul
so we dance in the candle's reflection,
for a moment two halves become whole.
But the light of the candle must dwindle
and likewise our moment must fade
leaving us to return to the ashes
and dust of which mortals are made.
Come dance in the light of this candle
rekindled anew in the dawn.
and we'll dance like the fires which made us
'til once more it's magic is gone.
And forever, I offer this promise:
So long as there's morning and night,
so long as the world holds one candle,
I'll be dancing with you in it's light.
There are far greater tragedies in every life than being in love, no matter how painful or impossible the circumstances- for example, not being in love.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, July 19th, 2006
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3:29 pm - And another thing...
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1:55 pm - Better than flying cars...
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Eric gave me an mp3 player for my b-day, which rocks, which holds a gig, expandable pretty infinitly. (They're amazingly affordable now I guess...) It's also got its own internal hardwired software, and can be used as a portable flashdrive, too. Nifty! I can just plug i in, dump songs onto it with no system or structure, just straight onto the player, and it orders them by title, artist, and genre.
This is cool, but not my point.
It straps to my arm, and takes a standard USB cable. So I was doing housework when some downloads completed, so I stopped at the desk, grabbed the cable, and plugged it intomy arm without even thinking about it. Then I blinked, turned to Janet, and exclaimed- "I just jacked in. I am injecting music directly into my head.
We live in the future.
Once in a while, this doesn't suck.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, July 17th, 2006
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12:47 am - Currently on my drawing board:
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| Monday, July 3rd, 2006
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12:01 pm - No Guilt
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I work really hard. No, REALLY hard. on Friday, in weather north of 80°, I washed two loads of dishes, swept the kitchen, wiped the counters, re-designed one of my product lines, and did three loads of laundry up and down our over-steep, over-tall back stairs. Yesterday, I did another load of dishes, another load of laundry, served drinks to Shadow & Guest, and when it was discovered that Shadow couldn't quite manage to get the backyard passable for Sunday's barbeque, (a dozen or so people, plus four semi-rowdy bored pre-adolescents, two grills, and armoring work to be done,) I went out in my sundress and combated blackberry brambles and three-foot tall dandelions & goatsbeard and oatgrass with hand-shears until I was sweating rivers through a million bloody scrips & scrapes, thenSunday, he and I were up and out the door by 10:30 to fetch food & drink for said barbeque, on foot, with canvas bags, some five blocks. (They keep telling me it's two, since only one street divides them, but from 120th street to 125th street is FIVE blocks. Period.) Ran the grill since the boys were oddly fire-deficient, fetched chips & drinks and organized the ice situation, (which turned out to be moot, since we ended up accidentally with three bags more than we needed,) helped to entertain the kids, magically fished out a splinter from a foot with no pain at all, lectured the kids on which plants were poisonous, and somehow managed to hold an impromptu mead tasting and song session as the sun went away. Then, with much help from Karrianne, managed to get ALMOST al the of the mess cleaned up.
And I feel guilty sitting and playing on the computer for a few hours. Nope. No more guilt. I really DO work hard, that is NOT my imagination, and I'm going to stop telling myself I need to do more and work harder than I already do. In fact, I may be due very soon for a totally slack-session. (Yeah, Like I'd even stand for that myself!)
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| Friday, June 30th, 2006
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4:42 pm - A Little Something for the Deadheads...
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For those deadheads who are still wandering lost in the grey age post-Garcia, (no, I'm not actually one of those myself- but as a music fan in general, I sympathize,) if you're not familiar with the Planet Earth Rock & Roll Orchestra, (circa 1960-something,) you should go have a look. You might just find some Jerry Garcia that you've never heard before, which'd kinda like having him alive for a little while longer, eh?
PERRO
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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11:27 am
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11:04 am - Commercial, but still cool.
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When I attached this blog to my art products, I didn't do it to advertise. Still, now and then I get excited about some new thingee that's available, and I feel compelled to hype for it here. This does not make me feel like a whore. No, what makes me feel like a commercial whore is having to write ad-copy. It's cheesy. It sucks. It makes me feel dirty. And I appologize in advance for any cheese-whiz stains that my blurbs might leave on your soul. But this thing is still too cool. Folks should buy 'em, so that I can afford one for myself!
(Also available in this style are: My other vessel is a ... goblet, tankard, horn, flaggon, etc. Surf my Zazzle products if you want one of the those.)
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, June 19th, 2006
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3:39 am - MELT WITH YOU
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This is them. I think I made them both "Contacts" just so I could snatch a vicarious extra share of Blissful. I don't think I've ever so adored even one perfect stranger, let alone two at one time.
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(comment on this)
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3:19 am - Baby...It's three am, I think I'm lonely.
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Naw- just wistful. Stilly trying to fix the comp, running long progs and surfing while I wait for the results.
So, y'all have noticed the Flickr addiction I'm sure. The phenomenon is surreal, like blogging, but not so much so- and totally different in it's gestalt. FOr one thing, I think it's trying to make art photographers out of us all! We surf the groups, amazed at the things we never thought to take pictures of before, and have to grab the camera and go take more!
A couple of days ago, a guy spotted one of my pics, liked it a bunch enough to "favorite" it. I, flattered and curious, surfed his own imagestream, and was fascinated. Made him a contact. Surfed the other pics in his "favorites" list, spotted one I liked, added comments.
The lady who posted that pic, I guess followed the same process, because she subsequently commented on several of my pics. I surfed her stream Wow. Glowing lady, glowing life- beautiful, colorful, and from her words on the page, a joy to be around. Her faves were so colorful- made me want to dance. I added her. She's the wife of the first guy. *lol* They're my new official standards for The Beautiful People.
All of that surfing of pics and of faves got me thinking, and I went back to each collection again, skimmed through, then did the same with my own, and I realized that from looking at a collection of what images move someone else, you get an amazingly vivid look into their personalities and the inner self to which they aspire. Looking at my pics, I saw me clearer than I have in years. Tres Cool. I highly recommend it!
current mood: mellow
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, June 18th, 2006
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3:12 pm - Maddening Music
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MUCH mellower madness:
There's this song I had almost forgotten about, from years ago, the tape is nearly done for, and I have no idea who it's by, or what it's called. (I't sin Gaelic.)
You can listen to a really scratchy recording of it here, if you'd like to try to unburden me of the madness of not knowing, so can look up the artist, and get another copy!
Well, that sucks- I can't get the momoshare thing to play in my comp. Well, if it works for you, and you know the song, let me know!
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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1:52 pm - On a SLIGHTLY less evil front: XP SP2
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Only SLIGHTLY less evil, mind you. I've been trying to download and install this little monster for something like 18 freakin' hours now. The Auto-Updates don't like my system, and I've tried every fix for that I can find short of reformatting the whole frickin' hard drive. Microsoft seriously wants me to feel that SP2 is totally critical, and that I will wither and die without it. Or at the very least, that they will not continue to provide any measure of support if I don't get it.
BUT- I just surfed up a (self-professed) expert on the topic, who, in his forums, makes it pretty clear that for SP2 to install and work correctly, reformatting IS ACTUALLY NECCESSARY! WTF? It's a freakin' UPDATE! He blithely goes on to criticize users who don't have the good sense to have a complete back-up of their entire system and files, and to let us know that if we DO install SP2 WITHOUT reformatting and fresh-installing XP, then we have only ourselves to blame for endless crashes and system errors and glitches not to mention a severely fragmented partition.
Another reader told him that he was fine just installing the critical updates and skipping SP2 altogether, but I can't even seem to do that, since the Auto-Updater insists that I install SP2 before it'll let me have anything else.
Smegging hell. This blows.
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kaotiqua's journal
